Q: What kind of person wakes up at 7:30 am to buy 238 different packs of gum, and nothing else?
A: A Wal-Mart shopper!


Q: What does every item sold at Wal-Mart leave in?
A: A McDonald's bag!


Q: Who puts an entire cart of groceries on to a till belt, just to say she doesn't want any of it any more, and leaves you to deal with the slowly melting problem?
A: A Wal-Mart shopper!


Q: Do Wal-Mart employees really do the morning chant?
A: Yes. Well, if they start their shift at the wrong time.


Q: Who asks to have every item individually double-bagged?
A: A Wal-Mart shopper!


Q: Who organizes Wal-Mart?
A: Skynet. You think I'm joking.


Q: Who goes to the express isle, makes it through in record time, and STILL has the nerve to say "Takin' your sweet time, eh?"
A: A Wal-Mart shopper!


Q: Why is everything labeled wrong?
A: If I explained it to you, you'd swear as much as we do.


Q: Who goes to the self-checkouts and proceeds to explain, as loudly as possible, all the reasons she hates the self checkouts, citing specific occasions of her past dealings with them?
A: A Wal-Mart shopper!


Q: If you can't make the self checkout work because it's a buggy hate-machine, who's fault is it?
A: MINE!


Q: Why don't you sell this obscure item I want, but don't know the name of?
A: Because you're a Wal-Mart shopper!


Q: Were you hiding?
A: Yes. Can I help you?


Q: Were you sleeping?
A: Almost! Thank god you're here.


Q: What does the greeter do?
A: Tell the managers that the cashiers suck at deactivating magnetic strips.


Q: Why is there nobody in the garden center?
A: There is.


Q: What is this plant?
A: I honestly have no idea ma'am, I was about to ask you the same question. I figured, since you're buying it, you'd have some idea at least.


Q: This item is ringing up higher than it's labeled.
A: That means one of four things. The most likely answer is that they either labeled it wrong, the price changed and we weren't informed, or another customer put it in the wrong place. It may also mean that you read the price wrong, or saw the wrong price tag or something, but I won't say that to your face. In any case, I'm going to have to call the item's department. When they don't answer after twelve rings, which they won't, I'll call an associate from that department to call me. When they don't, I'll call them to my till. When they still don't show up, I'll call a CSM, who is extremely busy, and doesn't have time to be messing around with a bloody price check. After about fifteen minutes, the CSM will finally find time for us, and finish the task in a matter of seconds by actually doing a price check. This will take roughly a half hour. Perhaps you'd like that gum you asked me to throw in your bag? We have plenty of reading material here for your convenience!


Q: Where's the price checker?
A: See that post with "PRICE CHECK" written on the sign? It isn't there.


Q: Can you help me?
A: Probably not, as I don't work in this department and know nothing about it, but I'll try my best until you get frustrated and decide I'm an idiot, even though I was only walking through here on my way to the break room... But I'll just say yes because it's easier, and I like it when I actually help someone.


Q: Who, after being greeted, tells you not to greet them?
A: A Wal-Mart shopper!


Q: Who can't find the pets department?
A: People who own pets.


Q: Why is the pet food located in isle nine?
A: I've been working on that. On one side, isles eight and below, is regular human food, and on the other side, isles 10 and above, are pesticides, toxic chemicals and industrial cleaners. Either they're saying your food and your dog's food are equal, or they're saying your pet's food is equivalent to eating bleach and RAID. I've come to the conclusion that it is both. You can put that together for yourself.


Q: Why is the display model the only one left?
A: Because someone's getting yelled at for it.


Q: Can I buy the display model?
A: No. We probably broke it in the process of fastening it so that it wouldn't kill you by falling over.


Q: Why are there only two tills open?
A: Because five jerks are sleeping.


Q: No bar code, eh? It's $4.53. Does that help?
A: No.


Q: Who searches every department in the store for an item, EXCEPT the one department it would obviously be in, and is labeled by a giant sign that can be seen from every location in the store?
A: A Wal-Mart shopper. Usually one looking for oil, oddly enough.


Q: What's that?
A: It's a wet sponge in a cup.


Q: What's the difference between an associate and an employee?
A: One of them plays an equal role in making their company function. The other is an associate and cannot be trusted.


Q: Why doesn't anyone clean the staff fridges?
A: Good question! Do you have a moment or two to help me remedy the issue? Because I sure don't.


Q: Can I return this clothing?
A: Yes, if you go to the customer assistance desk, rather than the middle of the freaking store!


Q: Do you get lots of benefits at Wal-Mart?
A: If I do anything other than sell stuff while I'm here, they'll fire me for stealing/slacking.


Q: Why do you wear the blue vests?
A: We're decoys. We take fire from the customers so the more realistically dressed managers don't have to deal with this.


Q: Doesn't my time matter to you?
A: Yes, it does ma'am, but I can't do anything while my computer is belching fire and chanting an ancient summoning spell, opening a rift into hell, raising a demon who demands that you are actually buying 27 more glass bowls than you actually have, when there are only TWO left in the entire store.


Q: Are you staring at my breasts?
A: ...